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Writer got run over by a reindeer (MLB "christmas carol")


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CBS.SPORTSLINE - Writer got run over by a reindeer (hilarious "christmas carol") by: Scott Miller

 

I think they loaded the eggnog at the company Christmas party again this year. Why, I swear Tuesday night somebody called to tell me Johnny Damon had signed with the Yankees. And next thing I knew, the Christmas carolers were out making merry. Look! Out the window! You can hear them....

 

It's Johnny Damon himself, singing his very own, very personalized version of Winter Wonderland!

 

Steinbrenner rings, I was listening

Overnight, the Stadium's glistening

A beautiful sight

Leaving Fenway tonight

Walking in a Yankees wonderland

 

Gone away is the long hair

Here to stay is the short hair

Singing a love song

Me and Jeter go along

Walking in a Yankees wonderland

 

In outfield we can build a snowman

Then pretend it's Manny Ramirez

He'll say: Am I traded?

We'll say: No man

So you can stay and sob

In ol' Beantown

 

Later on, we'll conspire

As we dream of Boston's funeral pyre

The plans that we've made,

To face unafraid

Walking in a Yankees wonderland

 

In the outfield we can build a snowman

Then pretend it is Manny and his frown

We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman

Until Sheffield and the Unit knock him down

 

Oh the Yanks, ain't it thrilling

Gonna beat big bad Curt Schilling

We'll frolic and play, the Steinbrenner way

Walking in a Yankees wonderland

 

Walking in a Yankees wonderland

Walking in a Yankees wonderland

 

Somebody pass the fudge -- it's a group of excited New York City barbers with visions of increased earnings, to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Talk about a true Barbershop Quartet!

 

You better watch out

Order extra dye

Better not pout

I'm telling you why

Johnny Damon's coming to town

 

He's combing his locks

He's looking really grim

Gonna come in for a shave and a trim

Johnny Damon's coming to town

 

His hair tangles while he's sleeping

It's wild when he's awake

With a shorter style and a conditioning rinse

He'll no longer need a rake!

 

Oh! You better watch out

Order extra gel

Better not pout

We're going to get well

Johnny Damon's coming to town

 

Is that -- yes! Boston owners John Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino are mournfully singing that beautiful old hymn ...

 

Silent night

Turn out the light

Damon's a lout

Manny wants out

'Round opening day it will be weird

Not even a trace of Johnny's beard

We don't even have a shortstop!

Don't even have a shortstop!

 

Silent night

Nothing is right

David Ortiz quakes

At the sight

No leadoff hitter near or afar

Epstein's laughing at some local bar

Johnny the Savior is gone!

Johnny the Savior is gone!

 

Silent night

No smiles in sight

Center field is vacant

Despite TV lights

Death beams coming from the Evil Empire

It won't be the same despite Youkilis' desire

We're no longer in one piece!

No longer in one piece!

 

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. But look who's up on the housetop refusing to move from second base to the outfield -- it's new Washington Nationals acquisition Alfonso Soriano....

 

Up on the housetop Soriano pauses

Long enough to check his clauses

Down through the chimney with great haste

Refusing to move from second base

 

Ho, ho, ho! He wouldn't go!

Ho, ho, ho! He wouldn't go!

Up on the housetop, click, click, click

Moving to the outfield would be sick, sick, sick.

 

First comes the request from GM Jim

Oh Alfonso don't be dim

The Washington Nationals need your bat

But at second Vidro is standing pat

Ho, Ho, ho! Who wouldn't go?

Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go?

Up on the housetop click, click, click

Moving to the outfield would be slick, slick, slick.

 

Next comes the question from manager Frank

Oh, Alfonso, the outfield isn't so dank

Here is a glove and lots of fungoes

And maybe a bonus for wherever you goes

Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go?

Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go?

Up on the housetop click, click, click

Moving to the outfield would be slick, slick, slick

 

Up on the housetop Soriano pauses

Long enough to tangle with his bosses

Down through the clubhouse with great haste

Refusing to move from second base

 

Ho, ho, ho! He wouldn't go!

Ho, ho, ho! He wouldn't go!

Up on the housetop, click, click, click

Moving to the outfield would be sick, sick, sick.

 

It's Sidney Ponson, backed by the Baltimore County Jail glee club, just sprung from the slammer....

 

I'll be in home for Christmas

They just set me free

Please have virgin daiquiris and an Escalade

I'll drive sober -- you'll see

 

Christmas eve will find me

Driving with my low beams

I'm a prince from Aruba

But now I only go there in my dreams!

 

It's the Florida Marlins' front office with a twist on the traditional Sleigh Ride'!

 

Just hear those salaries jingle-ing

Ring ting tingle-ing too

Come on it's lovely weather

For a fire sale together with you

 

Outside the market is frigid

And clubs are calling "You hoo!"

Come on it's lovely weather

For a fire sale together with you

 

Giddy-yap, giddy-yap, giddy-yap

Let's go

Let's look at Delgado

He's playing in a stadium named Shea

 

Giddy-yap, giddy-yap, giddy-yap

It's divine

There goes Jeff Conine

And Beckett and Lowell and Castillo and LoDuca, too!

 

Now our finances are nice and rosy

And comfy cozy are we

We'll be snuggled up together

Like misers of a feather

Should be

 

Let's take the road before us

And dump another player from our crew

Come on, it's lovely weather

To auction off Pierre's leather, too

 

There's a party at the home of Jeffrey Loria

He's an owner to whom many say, "We don't adore ya"

He'll be singing the blues he loves to sing without a single stop

At the fireplace while we watch the franchise burn

Burn! Burn! Burn!

 

There's a sickening feeling nothing in the world can buy

When the other clubs gather 'round and bid up high

It's nearly like something from author Stephen King

These horrible things are the things

That will stain the Marlins throughout their lives

 

Aw, how cute -- it's the four other AL East clubs, come to cheer up sagging Baltimore with The Christmas Song ...

 

Orioles roasting on an open fire

The AL East nipping at their toes

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir

And Tejada turning up his nose

 

Everybody knows a turkey, so Miggy wants to go

If he does, the season will not be bright

Top prospects with their eyes all aglow

Will find it difficult to compete every night

 

They know that Angelos is on his way

He's loaded lumps of coal on his sleigh

And every Orioles fan is going to spy

To see if turkeys really know how to fly

 

And so we're offering this simple phrase

To fans from one to 92

Although it's been said, many times, many ways

Merry Christmas (and many prayers) to you.

 

Stocking stuffers

 

* St. Louis has more wins than any NL team over the past two seasons -- 205 -- but the Cardinals also have suffered major defections following each of those two seasons. Edgar Renteria, Mike Matheny, Tony Womack, Mark Grudzielanek, Matt Morris. GM Walt Jocketty did a superb job last season of filling the holes with Mark Mulder and David Eckstein, among others. So far this offseason the Cardinals' additions don't seem so strong -- Sidney Ponson? -- but don't underestimate the Cardinals' tinkering in the bullpen. One major reason why the Cards have fared so well the past two seasons is that they led the NL in bullpen ERA in each summer -- and that's why even though Braden Looper cost $13.5 million over three years, it was important to add the former Mets closer as a setup man for Jason Isringhausen. And while the Cards traded lefty specialist Ray King to Colorado, adding free agent Ricardo Rincon is one of those under-the-radar moves that will pay big dividends this summer -- over his career, he has held opposing lefty hitters to a .208 average. The Cards also have lost Julian Tavarez and Al Reyes from their 2005 bullpen.

 

* In just a month on the job, Los Angeles GM Ned Colletti has made a big enough impact on the Dodgers roster that they probably are one starting pitcher away from being a legitimate contender in a weak NL West. The intelligence in Colletti's moves is in the short term contracts he's handed out. Kenny Lofton (one year, $3.85 million), Nomar Garciaparra (one year, $6 million) and Bill Mueller (two years, $9.5 million) are not guys to build around long-term, but they're solid enough to serve as a bridge for the next season or two until the organization's highly touted prospects -- whom Colletti has resisted trading -- are ready to contribute. The names to watch: pitchers Chad Billingsley and Jonathan Broxton, catcher Russell Martin, third baseman Andy LaRoche, shortstop Joel Guzman and outfielder Matt Kemp.

 

* It's not as if they're ready to nip at the heels of the world champion Chicago White Sox, but Kansas City can't help but be much improved following the signings of free agents Mark Grudzielanek, Doug Mientkiewicz and pitcher Seth Etherton. The Royals tied with Tampa Bay for worst fielding percentage in the AL in 2005, and adding Mientkiewicz, a former Gold Glover, and Grudzielanek immediately tightens the Royals infield defense.

 

* Toughest job in baseball: Kansas City's equipment manager, who now must make sure the names "Mientkiewicz" and "Grudzielanek" are spelled correctly on the uniform backs.

 

* Last word on Garciaparra signing with the Dodgers instead of the Yankees: Remember the great shortstop class of Nomar, Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez in the 1990s? Had Garciaparra signed in New York, each time he played first base, or somewhere else, would have turned into a daily reminder that he no longer is in the class of Jeter or A-Rod.

 

* Tampa Bay is fielding many inquiries on center fielder Joey Gathright, among them from Los Angeles before the Dodgers signed Lofton this week. Gathright is available because, with Rocco Baldelli healthy this spring, Carl Crawford back and the highly touted Delmon Young expected to play in right, there is no room for Gathright. Boston could come calling now that Johnny Damon has signed with the Yankees.

 

* Probably no surprise that Damon agreed to terms with the Yankees only hours after the Dodgers signed Lofton. Aside from Boston and the Yankees, the Dodgers were the only other team in play on Damon and they weren't showing much interest. As one insider said this week, had the Dodgers become seriously involved, that would have become agent Scott Boras' perfect storm because a third large-market team might have driven up the price. As it was, Boras had to come down from his original starting point of wanting a seven-year contract for Damon.

 

* National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum president Dale Petroskey on the passing of legendary memorabilia collector Barry Halper, who had donated many historical items to the Hall: "The Baseball Hall of Fame has lost a true friend in Barry Halper. ... Anyone who met Barry for the first time realized that his passion for the game was what set him apart. We acquired a number of very important historic pieces from his enormous collection in 1999 as a gift from major league baseball. Through those items and a gallery named in his honor in the museum, his legacy will always live on in Cooperstown."

 

* And a Merry Christmas to all ... here's hoping you find what you want in your stocking.

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