CatsOLine63 Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 CBS.SPORTSLINE - Writer got run over by a reindeer (hilarious "christmas carol") by: Scott Miller I think they loaded the eggnog at the company Christmas party again this year. Why, I swear Tuesday night somebody called to tell me Johnny Damon had signed with the Yankees. And next thing I knew, the Christmas carolers were out making merry. Look! Out the window! You can hear them.... It's Johnny Damon himself, singing his very own, very personalized version of Winter Wonderland! Steinbrenner rings, I was listening Overnight, the Stadium's glistening A beautiful sight Leaving Fenway tonight Walking in a Yankees wonderland Gone away is the long hair Here to stay is the short hair Singing a love song Me and Jeter go along Walking in a Yankees wonderland In outfield we can build a snowman Then pretend it's Manny Ramirez He'll say: Am I traded? We'll say: No man So you can stay and sob In ol' Beantown Later on, we'll conspire As we dream of Boston's funeral pyre The plans that we've made, To face unafraid Walking in a Yankees wonderland In the outfield we can build a snowman Then pretend it is Manny and his frown We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman Until Sheffield and the Unit knock him down Oh the Yanks, ain't it thrilling Gonna beat big bad Curt Schilling We'll frolic and play, the Steinbrenner way Walking in a Yankees wonderland Walking in a Yankees wonderland Walking in a Yankees wonderland Somebody pass the fudge -- it's a group of excited New York City barbers with visions of increased earnings, to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Talk about a true Barbershop Quartet! You better watch out Order extra dye Better not pout I'm telling you why Johnny Damon's coming to town He's combing his locks He's looking really grim Gonna come in for a shave and a trim Johnny Damon's coming to town His hair tangles while he's sleeping It's wild when he's awake With a shorter style and a conditioning rinse He'll no longer need a rake! Oh! You better watch out Order extra gel Better not pout We're going to get well Johnny Damon's coming to town Is that -- yes! Boston owners John Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino are mournfully singing that beautiful old hymn ... Silent night Turn out the light Damon's a lout Manny wants out 'Round opening day it will be weird Not even a trace of Johnny's beard We don't even have a shortstop! Don't even have a shortstop! Silent night Nothing is right David Ortiz quakes At the sight No leadoff hitter near or afar Epstein's laughing at some local bar Johnny the Savior is gone! Johnny the Savior is gone! Silent night No smiles in sight Center field is vacant Despite TV lights Death beams coming from the Evil Empire It won't be the same despite Youkilis' desire We're no longer in one piece! No longer in one piece! You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. But look who's up on the housetop refusing to move from second base to the outfield -- it's new Washington Nationals acquisition Alfonso Soriano.... Up on the housetop Soriano pauses Long enough to check his clauses Down through the chimney with great haste Refusing to move from second base Ho, ho, ho! He wouldn't go! Ho, ho, ho! He wouldn't go! Up on the housetop, click, click, click Moving to the outfield would be sick, sick, sick. First comes the request from GM Jim Oh Alfonso don't be dim The Washington Nationals need your bat But at second Vidro is standing pat Ho, Ho, ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go? Up on the housetop click, click, click Moving to the outfield would be slick, slick, slick. Next comes the question from manager Frank Oh, Alfonso, the outfield isn't so dank Here is a glove and lots of fungoes And maybe a bonus for wherever you goes Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho, ho, ho! Who wouldn't go? Up on the housetop click, click, click Moving to the outfield would be slick, slick, slick Up on the housetop Soriano pauses Long enough to tangle with his bosses Down through the clubhouse with great haste Refusing to move from second base Ho, ho, ho! He wouldn't go! Ho, ho, ho! He wouldn't go! Up on the housetop, click, click, click Moving to the outfield would be sick, sick, sick. It's Sidney Ponson, backed by the Baltimore County Jail glee club, just sprung from the slammer.... I'll be in home for Christmas They just set me free Please have virgin daiquiris and an Escalade I'll drive sober -- you'll see Christmas eve will find me Driving with my low beams I'm a prince from Aruba But now I only go there in my dreams! It's the Florida Marlins' front office with a twist on the traditional Sleigh Ride'! Just hear those salaries jingle-ing Ring ting tingle-ing too Come on it's lovely weather For a fire sale together with you Outside the market is frigid And clubs are calling "You hoo!" Come on it's lovely weather For a fire sale together with you Giddy-yap, giddy-yap, giddy-yap Let's go Let's look at Delgado He's playing in a stadium named Shea Giddy-yap, giddy-yap, giddy-yap It's divine There goes Jeff Conine And Beckett and Lowell and Castillo and LoDuca, too! Now our finances are nice and rosy And comfy cozy are we We'll be snuggled up together Like misers of a feather Should be Let's take the road before us And dump another player from our crew Come on, it's lovely weather To auction off Pierre's leather, too There's a party at the home of Jeffrey Loria He's an owner to whom many say, "We don't adore ya" He'll be singing the blues he loves to sing without a single stop At the fireplace while we watch the franchise burn Burn! Burn! Burn! There's a sickening feeling nothing in the world can buy When the other clubs gather 'round and bid up high It's nearly like something from author Stephen King These horrible things are the things That will stain the Marlins throughout their lives Aw, how cute -- it's the four other AL East clubs, come to cheer up sagging Baltimore with The Christmas Song ... Orioles roasting on an open fire The AL East nipping at their toes Yuletide carols being sung by a choir And Tejada turning up his nose Everybody knows a turkey, so Miggy wants to go If he does, the season will not be bright Top prospects with their eyes all aglow Will find it difficult to compete every night They know that Angelos is on his way He's loaded lumps of coal on his sleigh And every Orioles fan is going to spy To see if turkeys really know how to fly And so we're offering this simple phrase To fans from one to 92 Although it's been said, many times, many ways Merry Christmas (and many prayers) to you. Stocking stuffers * St. Louis has more wins than any NL team over the past two seasons -- 205 -- but the Cardinals also have suffered major defections following each of those two seasons. Edgar Renteria, Mike Matheny, Tony Womack, Mark Grudzielanek, Matt Morris. GM Walt Jocketty did a superb job last season of filling the holes with Mark Mulder and David Eckstein, among others. So far this offseason the Cardinals' additions don't seem so strong -- Sidney Ponson? -- but don't underestimate the Cardinals' tinkering in the bullpen. One major reason why the Cards have fared so well the past two seasons is that they led the NL in bullpen ERA in each summer -- and that's why even though Braden Looper cost $13.5 million over three years, it was important to add the former Mets closer as a setup man for Jason Isringhausen. And while the Cards traded lefty specialist Ray King to Colorado, adding free agent Ricardo Rincon is one of those under-the-radar moves that will pay big dividends this summer -- over his career, he has held opposing lefty hitters to a .208 average. The Cards also have lost Julian Tavarez and Al Reyes from their 2005 bullpen. * In just a month on the job, Los Angeles GM Ned Colletti has made a big enough impact on the Dodgers roster that they probably are one starting pitcher away from being a legitimate contender in a weak NL West. The intelligence in Colletti's moves is in the short term contracts he's handed out. Kenny Lofton (one year, $3.85 million), Nomar Garciaparra (one year, $6 million) and Bill Mueller (two years, $9.5 million) are not guys to build around long-term, but they're solid enough to serve as a bridge for the next season or two until the organization's highly touted prospects -- whom Colletti has resisted trading -- are ready to contribute. The names to watch: pitchers Chad Billingsley and Jonathan Broxton, catcher Russell Martin, third baseman Andy LaRoche, shortstop Joel Guzman and outfielder Matt Kemp. * It's not as if they're ready to nip at the heels of the world champion Chicago White Sox, but Kansas City can't help but be much improved following the signings of free agents Mark Grudzielanek, Doug Mientkiewicz and pitcher Seth Etherton. The Royals tied with Tampa Bay for worst fielding percentage in the AL in 2005, and adding Mientkiewicz, a former Gold Glover, and Grudzielanek immediately tightens the Royals infield defense. * Toughest job in baseball: Kansas City's equipment manager, who now must make sure the names "Mientkiewicz" and "Grudzielanek" are spelled correctly on the uniform backs. * Last word on Garciaparra signing with the Dodgers instead of the Yankees: Remember the great shortstop class of Nomar, Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez in the 1990s? Had Garciaparra signed in New York, each time he played first base, or somewhere else, would have turned into a daily reminder that he no longer is in the class of Jeter or A-Rod. * Tampa Bay is fielding many inquiries on center fielder Joey Gathright, among them from Los Angeles before the Dodgers signed Lofton this week. Gathright is available because, with Rocco Baldelli healthy this spring, Carl Crawford back and the highly touted Delmon Young expected to play in right, there is no room for Gathright. Boston could come calling now that Johnny Damon has signed with the Yankees. * Probably no surprise that Damon agreed to terms with the Yankees only hours after the Dodgers signed Lofton. Aside from Boston and the Yankees, the Dodgers were the only other team in play on Damon and they weren't showing much interest. As one insider said this week, had the Dodgers become seriously involved, that would have become agent Scott Boras' perfect storm because a third large-market team might have driven up the price. As it was, Boras had to come down from his original starting point of wanting a seven-year contract for Damon. * National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum president Dale Petroskey on the passing of legendary memorabilia collector Barry Halper, who had donated many historical items to the Hall: "The Baseball Hall of Fame has lost a true friend in Barry Halper. ... Anyone who met Barry for the first time realized that his passion for the game was what set him apart. We acquired a number of very important historic pieces from his enormous collection in 1999 as a gift from major league baseball. Through those items and a gallery named in his honor in the museum, his legacy will always live on in Cooperstown." * And a Merry Christmas to all ... here's hoping you find what you want in your stocking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoldRush429 Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 hilarious article :rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoelessjoelives Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 That was cute and maybe a bit of a look in the crystal ball for '06 !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeuceChunker03 Posted December 24, 2005 Share Posted December 24, 2005 Hmmmm... doesn't mention the biggest choke in the history of sports... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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