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The Best of Fivehead


BluePirate

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Fivehead on white guilt...

 

"I have never owned a slave.

I have never denied a black man the right to vote.

I have never refused service to a black patron in my place of business.

I have never stood in the doorway of a school in Arkansas (Orval Faubus, Democrat) or Alabama (George Wallace, Democrat) and refused admission to a black student.

I am completely blameless vis a vis the race relation issue.

 

I hereby request that anyone wishing to burden me with the guilt of long past generations to pucker up and apply their lips to my posterior region. I am a Republican. My party freed the slaves. What has your party done?"

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Fivehead on the conservative white male:

 

"The question is not whether the Republicans have made themselves obsolete by standing on their moral principles. They very well may have. The question is whether or not this nation will continue to exist in the future as it mutates into an amorphous Godless polyglot, or whether our selfish hedonism and boneheaded devotion to multiculturalism at the expense of a national identity will consign us to the historical scrap heap of failure.

 

White males of European descent built this nation. We deserve consideration, not scorn and ridicule. We are willing to stand on principle at the expense of popularity, unlike the Democrats who seem willing to prostitute themselves to anyone and everyone in exchange for a vote.

 

Good day, sir."

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Fivehead on posters in over their heads...

 

"I've held off on a reply while I turned ideas over in my mind for a well thought out, pithy, intelligent reply. I have come to the conclusion that, when dealing with Special Olympians such as yourself I might as well save myself the trouble because your pitifully limited grasp of the language and of concepts more complex than what to eat at your next meal probably confuse and disorient you. Let me instead reply in terms you might understand.

 

It ain't about drinkin an drivin, #####. It's about the law takin your stuff without you sayin OK.

 

I'm sorry. I probably used too much punctuation and capitalization. I tried to misspell enough words to make you feel at home. Sorry, Corky."

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Fivehead on the religion of DaveTV1...

 

"Habakkuk 2, verse 12: Yea, verily, I say unto thee - Thou shalt not lay with thy wife more than six times, or less than eight, or any other multiple of seven lest thee begat thine offspring in sevens or multiples thereof. Thus spake the Lord.

 

Don't ever try to figure out why Dave says anything. He drinks his bong water."

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Fivehead counseling jam7 on paying for college...

 

"Let me tell you something about college, kid. I've got 3 kids in college right now. They go to 3 different colleges, 2 to state schools and one of them at a very expensive private university. Do you know how many dollars I have asked Uncle Sam for? Zero. My wife and I have paid every red cent out of our own pockets. I don't deserve any money from the government. Why do you? Stop standing around with your hand out. Get off your butt and go to work. I went to college for 5 years and I was continuously employed for the entire time. Stop whining and act like a man."

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Fivehead counseling jam7 on paying for college...

 

"Let me tell you something about college, kid. I've got 3 kids in college right now. They go to 3 different colleges, 2 to state schools and one of them at a very expensive private university. Do you know how many dollars I have asked Uncle Sam for? Zero. My wife and I have paid every red cent out of our own pockets. I don't deserve any money from the government. Why do you? Stop standing around with your hand out. Get off your butt and go to work. I went to college for 5 years and I was continuously employed for the entire time. Stop whining and act like a man."

 

 

Bravo!

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Most of the referenced posts have been in direct response to some event, or the typed words of some dweeb. I really like it when fivehead is overcome with latent fiveheadedness. Then, he starts a thread:

 

Here's what I think.

 

I would rather be sandpapered and set on fire than to have to listen to one more of Judy Cole from Jim's Jewelers' insipid commercials.

 

We need to bring back spanking kids, and the sooner the better.

 

I don't give a #### about Tibet, Darfur, New Orleans or pretty much anyplace else outside the Texas state line.

 

We need to give Tonya Harding JRowe's home address.

 

If the terrorists attack again, please let them hit Tim Robbins or Sean Penn. Or Judy Cole.

 

The present day Republican party is not worth saving. We need to start over. But NOT with the Democrats.

 

They need to put Dick Van Dyke back on TV Land and take off that stupid Class Reunion show.

 

I officially don't care who wins Dancing with the Stars, as long as Priscilla Presley is voted off as soon as possible. She's had so much collagen injected into her face she's got cellulite on her cheeks.

 

Speaking of commercials that need to go away, every time Kristin Dow Carver comes on TV, every dog in the neighborhood starts howling. She sounds like a high-pitched mosquito.

 

They should shoot gun-control activists.

 

Why in the hell would anybody want to be a socialist?

 

That's what I think.

 

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Guest bleeds

Fivehead on the abuse of power by law enforcement:

 

Remember the jackbooted skinhead thugs I referred to earlier?

 

Case in point. School bully all grown up.

 

By the way, take off that badge and I'll snap your neck like a stack of dimes, porky.

 

I almost hurt myself first laughing, then hauling this one over.

 

Instant classic.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest bearbacker

In response to a comment from yours truly!

 

 

You have my respect and admiration. I seriously underestimated you, and for that I apologize. You seem to be witty and intelligent. Welcome.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

In response to wussified men and their comments:

 

"If I had a kid like you, I'd pee on him so at least he'd SMELL like a man."

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